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So now John Edwards has admitted he’s had an affair and once again infidelity is in the news.  Nary a week goes by where the headlines don’t blast us with the latest philanderings.  If you believe in the veracity of the family this type of news is depressing.  Bad news makes the NEWS.    No one’s plastering headlines that you’ve been faithful to your spouse yet again today.  So what do we make of another politician’s wanderings?

A couple of things.  First, anyone can have an affair.  As a marriage counselor I’ve seen all types of people: rich and poor and middle class, black and white, Hispanic and Native American, African and Asian, Jew and Christian, Catholic and Assembly of God, Baptist and Lutheran, nurses and doctors, EMT’s and firefighters, deacons and Sunday School teachers, coaches and elementary school teachers, pastors and insurance executives, politicians and professors, janitors and soldiers, male and female. 

Well, of course, male and female!  Still, the common belief is that more husbands have affairs than wives.   Recently, I attended a workshop on sexuality for couple and marriage therapists and other mental health professionals and the workshop presenter said that 22-25 % of men report having affairs in their marriages and 11-15% of women.  I’m not sure why this doesn’t average out a little more equal.  I’ve seen hundreds of affair cases and all but 1 or 2 were with the opposite sex.  This statistic is often given to hint that men tend to wander more than women.  Or maybe it could mean that if a woman wanders she’s going to do it big time with more than one fellow?  Or the guy had an affair with a single woman and she didn’t count it as an affair because she wasn’t married?  You and I would count it as an affair, but maybe these people don’t?  These statistics are hard to verify anyway.  Are guys more prone to admit they had an affair?  When you ask “have you had an affair?” did you explain what you meant?  Are we working on the same definition?  (See my recent blog on emotional affairs that I wrote after the Alex Rodriquez-Madonna emotional affair rumor-headlines of late). 

In any case, a lot of people have affairs in spite of the Ten Commandments, people’s vows before God, the church, the clergy, their spouse, their family, their friends, themselves, the State where they signed their license or their employer’s company policy.  Certainly the threat of divorce, losing one’s job, financial ruin, personal embarrassment, hurt to spouse, loved one’s, parents, peers, employees, national disgrace, and in some cases, arrested, hasn’t kept people from having affairs.   What’s the deal with that?

Secondly, affairs occur when boundaries are broken.  If you break a boundary, you set yourself up to be tempted.  If you aren’t careful, you may be tempted beyond what you are able to resist.  Boundaries are especially difficult to maintain on the road:  out of sight, out of mind.  You’ve heard the ad: What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?  Like most advertising, of course, it is a bunch of baloney.  What stays in Vegas, also, is your integrity, your dignity, and your character and you can search all the pawn shops in Nevada and you won’t find them to buy back.  They are gone and dissipate to  into thin air. 

People on the road face enormous temptation.  In addition, people who work with the opposite sex for long hours such as military, police and EMT’s are especially vulnerable, as are volunteers for cleanup after hurricanes and floods and other disasters.  Politicians running for office fall into that category.  Salesmen, too.  Ministers are especially vulnerable because of the intimate nature of their work.  They are available to their parishioners in need and at all hours and will go where the need is: the hospital, the nursing home, the funeral home, the church, the restaurant, your home, your work, wherever.   And it’s not always people in need as ministers are available for social events to be a presence and to build relationships.  I’ve been both a minister and a marriage counselor and I can tell you it is a lot easier to maintain boundaries as a therapist than it is as a pastor.   It’s certainly possible to maintain boundaries as a minister or politician or traveling sales person, but it is more difficult and a person has to continually be on his or her guard.  They had better be sure on the ground rules to keep their integrity. 

Not sure what the ground rules are?  Give us a call.  We’ll talk with you about how to affair proof your marriage.  Of course, it’ll be in our office and it won’t be for free.  We’ll be sure to keep the boundaries intact.  You can count on that.