Affairs
- What if one of us (or both) has had an affair?
- What if I’ve had an affair and haven’t told my spouse?
- What if I suspect my spouse has or is having an affair?
Abuse
- What if the physical violence or the threat of violence is a concern?
- What about sexual abuse?
- What about bad habits like sexual exploration on the internet, pornography, alcohol and drugs?
Separation and Divorce
- What if one of us wants to leave?
- What if one of us has already filed for divorce but we both want to work on the relationship?
- What if we’ve already separated, but still want to work on the relationship?
Legal
- What if we have a no contact order but we still want marital therapy?
- What if one of us has received a court order for marital therapy?
Other Issues
- What if my spouse isn’t interested or won’t come to marital therapy?
- A common pitfall
- What if one or both of us seem to have grown cold in our love for each other?
- What about spiritual issues?
- I have a problem I need to deal with but I’ve never told anyone and frankly, I’m scared to.
Affairs
What if one of us (or both) has had an affair?
Affairs are one of the most common problems we see in marital therapy. It is very difficult to handle alone and marital therapy is very important. There are three issues to deal with.
- What led to the person’s affair and working on self-care so it won’t happen again
- How the spouse who didn’t have the affair is handling this discovery
- How the couple can reconnect after the loss of trust
These are very important issues to work through and couples are rarely equipped to handle them without some assistance. We’ve helped many couples navigate their way through these waters. If the partner who had the affair is willing to end the affair and work on the marriage the prospects for the couple are very good as long as they are able to do the work they need to do. We have steps couples can take to restore their relationships after an affair.
What if I’ve had an affair and haven’t told my spouse?
The most significant thing about an affair is the secrets. Without secrets affairs wouldn’t happen. If secrets continue, it is very difficult to feel a person is genuine and close. We can help in this process.
What if I suspect my spouse has or is having an affair?
The problem with affairs is secrets. The problem with snooping is secrets! Most people don’t tell their partner they are snooping. Secrets by either spouse is a problem. If one person is having an affair that is one problem. If one person is snooping that is another problem. Accountability is important, but accountability is NOT snooping. Call us. We help sort out the difference so that you can build trust together.
For more information on the effects of affairs on marriage and what can be done see Glass article.
Abuse
What if physical violence or the threat of violence is a concern?
The number one concern is safety. If your life or well-being is threatened, getting away to a safe place may be in order. There are domestic abuse shelters for spouses and children when a partner is unwilling to cooperate with counseling. If both partners are willing to work together on reducing abuse, we can be of assistance. While the person who commits the acts of violence is responsible for his or her actions, partners can work together to make their interactions around conflict more positive. We take a pro-active approach to teach couples other ways to interact, which, if followed, can eliminate abuse from the family. Call us for details.
What about sexual abuse?
Dr. Wall has had experience working with both sexual offenders and sexual abuse victims. Often these issues hamper development in marriage, both in communication and sexuality. They can also hinder healthy relationship development. We have ways of working on these issues that enhance relationships.
What about bad habits like sexual exploration on the internet, pornography, alcohol and drugs?
These issues are detrimental to marital relationships. We seek to work with both partners together on these issues so that they can be a resource for each other instead of being at odds with each other. Our approach is unique and we invite you to try it out, even if other types of treatment have proved unsuccessful to date.
Separation and Divorce
What if one of us wants to leave?
In certain circumstances, a little space can be a part of a partner’s healing. However, without assistance, separation often leads to divorce. Separation is a difficult thing to manage even with marital therapy. Without assistance, separation can prove fatal. There are two kinds of separation:
- Separation to work on the marriage
- Separation to divorce
Most people are only aware of separation to divorce so they are very threatened and assume the worst about separation. We can help you navigate separation so that it works for you instead of causing you more marital trouble. CALL US IF AT ALL POSSIBLE BEFORE YOU SEPARATE. If you have already separated we can still help, but the process will be a little more difficult.
What if one of us has already filed for divorce but we both want to work on the relationship?
Our experience indicates that not everyone who files for divorce wants to get a divorce or ends up in a divorce. People who file for divorce often change their minds or didn’t even intend to divorce from the beginning. Many times they tell us they were just trying to get their partner’s attention that the relationship is in trouble. We have been able to help many couples stay together even after they’ve filed.
What if we’ve already separated, but still want to work on the relationship?
Give us a call! Often during separation people realize things they didn’t before. If you are both willing to come and work on things that is a very good sign. There is an old saying that if you’ve always done what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got. Often during separation people continue to treat each other the same ways that led to their separation in the first place. Without intervention by a professional it is often difficult to see what those patterns are and what needs to be changed and how it can be changed. This is where we come in. This is our area of expertise. Give us a chance to work with you.
Legal
What if we have a no contact order but we still want marital therapy?
If you have a no contact order, that means no contact, including therapy, unless you get a judge’s order to make marital therapy an exception to the order. In some cases the no contact order may be removed in entirety if the couple is motivated to learn how to resolve their differences in a mutually beneficial way. If you have a no contact order and wish to go to joint therapy, talk with your lawyer and/or judge to get the court order removed or to have marital therapy inserted as an exception. If the latter, please bring a written copy of the court order with you when you start therapy with us.
What if one of us has received a court order for marital therapy?
Certainly it is more helpful if both partners come to marital therapy because they want to. If they come because the court has ordered them it is often difficult to create an atmosphere of cooperation. However, we have several services that may be of benefit even for the most conflictual couple:
- We can help the couple negotiate their differences (property and child custody) so that when they go to their lawyers, most of the details are worked out to the couple’s satisfaction.
- We can help the couple discuss the issues that led to their breakdown so that there is more understanding between partners.
- We can assist the couple in learning to be respectful and to get along in the future as they will still be in contact around their children in the future for years to come.
- We can help partners resolve pain around their relationship hurts. In some cases this may lead the partners to reconsider their pending divorce. However, we do not try to talk a partner out of his or her decisions. We seek to create an atmosphere of understanding.
NOTE: We are not lawyers and do not give legal advice. Lawyers seek to represent their clients’ best interest. Our goal is to help people get along. Sometimes these two goals are compatible; sometimes they are not.
Other Issues
What if my spouse isn’t interested or won’t come to marital therapy?
We encourage partners to come together to marital therapy at Heart to Heart Communication, L.C. Our approach is to NOT take sides of one partner against another, but to seek understanding between people. We attempt to help couples minimize blame and to come together as partners again. Our approach is pro-active. We don’t just sit and let one partner hammer the other partner. We give ideas that are practical and can make a difference in a couple’s life. Often these results are noticed immediately.
REMEMBER: marriage is made up of only two people. If one of you think the marriage is in trouble then it is in trouble!!! It is time for both to heed this and start to work on their marriage.
NOTE: Most people aren’t afraid to contact a heart surgeon for heart surgery, or a master mechanic to overhaul the car’s engine, or a dentist to take care of teeth. Yet many people think they can fix their marriages on their own without any help from others. Marriage is our expertise. Dr. Wall, the founder of Heart to Heart Communication, L.C., has his Ph.D. in Marriage and Family Therapy, has done extensive research in marriage and continues to train the Heart to Heart Communication staff in marital therapy. It is a specialized area of expertise that is available to you to help you navigate the rough waters of marriage today.
It is not a sign of weakness to ask someone who is an expert what they think. An old proverb says, "A wise man listens to advice, but a fool rushes headlong to destruction." Advice may not be supportive of American individualism, but it certainly can save a marriage! We know what destroys marriages. We know what saves marriages. We know how to intervene with troubled marriages. This is what we do! Let us tell you a bit about the road you are traveling down, because we’ve mapped this territory out with others. We’ve been down the road before. We know where the bumps are, the watering holes, the cliffs and obstacles. This is information that can save your marriage!!!
However, not all partners will come to therapy even if they’ve read the info on our web site! If only one person is willing to come to therapy we encourage that partner to come. One person can make a difference. We still maintain a positive approach and seek solutions, rather than letting therapy becoming a complaining session where the absent partner is blamed for the problems in the marriage.
A common pitfall:
Recently, there has been some discussion amongst therapists and marital researchers about how sometimes therapy leads to divorce. Counselors not trained in marital therapy or who have a negative view of marriage from the get-go, may steer their clients to "listen to their feelings" or "do something for yourself." They may inadvertently or intentionally encourage their clients to consider divorce in order to be happy. Our opinion is that divorce has it’s own pitfalls and seeking divorce in order to be happy is not the right reason to divorce. Happiness is nebulous and difficult to attain and should not be sought for it’s own sake. Happiness is the result of right choices. Certainly, we help clients think through their options. But we also help them look at things they might have missed or look at things differently.
What if one or both of us seem to have grown cold in our love for each other?
Then you need to call us immediately. Do not waste another day. Fifty years ago couples stayed together when love grew cold because of societal values. There was not even a thought to divorce. Today this is not the case. With our highly romantized view of marriage, many partners today begin to be tempted to consider divorce when they begin to feel cold toward their partner. DO NOT NEGLECT these feelings. Research is suggesting and our own clinical experience agrees that the longer these feelings are neglected the harder it is to repair the marriage. How many times have we heard, "Oh, if only we’d called you last year, but now it is too late." Don’t wait to call us when the engine has blown. Do the maintenance you need to keep the love alive.
MOST PEOPLE cannot rekindle love without some assistance. Sometimes the more they try by themselves the more they fail, the more they feel justified in feeling negative the way they do. They often give up hope. We seek to help couples rekindle lost love and to restore hope.
What about spiritual issues?
Dr. Wall was a pastor 15 years before completing his doctoral work in marriage. The other therapists that work with Dr. Wall have spiritual backgrounds as well. We understand that spirituality is a fundamental way of life for many people. We seek to help partners harness their relationship with God to improve their own attitude, to give them strength and to give them guidance on how to live. We do not seek to convert clients to any particular faith, but are available to help them use the faith they already may have. We go at the client’s pace and do not force spirituality upon anyone. Because we respect and honor people’s faith we have many pastors who refer clients to us. We also have many clients who may not have a faith, but in the midst of their problems, realize that it is time to look into this area of their lives. We encourage these folk in therapy about their budding interest in spiritual things and make referrals to local churches as appropriate to the client.
NOTE: if you are NOT interested in spiritual things, don’t worry. Our task is to help you with the problems you present to us. We may ask about your interest in spiritual things and if this is not an area you want to explore we respect your decision.
I have a problem I need to deal with but I’ve never told anyone and frankly, I’m scared to.
We’ve had many clients tell us that they like our approach because we honor them! We let you determine the pace. We know people often have to build trust before they can talk about certain things. We know that you will tell us when you are ready and that is OK. We are honored that you would consider bringing us into your secret world.